Screwed Up, Ain't She?
by xXsweetmusicXx
Summary: Well, it's another Mary Sue wreaking havoc on Hogwarts! Will Sirius escape with his dignity intact? Will James still want to date? Will Peter still be Peter? Will Remus still be an innocent boy? ON HOLD.


'Kay, so there are SO many of these out there that I decided to do one.

Disclaimer: I so totally bought the Marauders on eBay…IN MY DREEEAMS.

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Mary Ashley Katrina Jezebel Amelia Abigail Dumbledore Sue –Mary Sue for short- was gorgeous. She had long blonde hair that was sometimes a bright fiery red to rival that of Lilly Evan's or a glossy raven that shamed Sirius Black. Her eyes were a captivating blue-black-red-pink-violet-green-brown-hazel that would switch between colors fast enough to make anyone sick. She was perfectly tanned, with perfect legs and curves in all the right places. She was part vampire, part elf, part werewolf, part genius, part animagus (of course, she could turn into any animal she darn well pleased), and she controlled the elements and didn't need a wand to do magic. Men got nosebleeds just looking at her. When she sang, birds would sing along and people would dance around her.

In short, she was perfect. Slightly frightening, but perfect.

Well, this version of perfection is a 17 year old. And just being admitted to Hogwarts. Why Professor Dumbledore didn't admit her when she was 11 like everyone else is a mystery yet to be solved, but that's not crucial to this plot.

Mary Sue was on the Hogwarts Express at Platform 9 3/4, so happy to escape the abuse from her house. Her father's brother's uncle's son's cousin twice removed would come over daily, drink booze until it came out of his nose (sometimes literally) and beat her. But of course, because she's so perfect, she had not a single scratch or bruise on her. But BACK TO THE STORY. So she was on the train, her little animal friends dragging her trunk behind her and searching for a compartment, when she heard a voice yelling, "What in the world are you doing?!"

Being the kind soul she was, she raced in search of the voice. While it would've taken a normal person a few minutes to find a voice in a very long train, it only took her 2 seconds because Mary Sue ISN'T normal. To her surprise, it was a dumpy young man, with watery blue eyes and blond hair. A big person- who has no point in this plot other than the fact that he makes Mary Sue seem stronger than she is- was pointing his wand at him, smirking evilly.

"I'm going to curse you for no apparent reason, Pettigrew!" he yelled, although he was standing right next to him. Mary Sue gasped, and immediately shot a bolt of pure energy at him, blowing him back (when in reality, it probably would've fried him to a crisp right then and there, but heck. This is a Mary Sue). Mary Sue turned to Pettigrew and smiled at him gently.

"I am Mary Ashley Katrina Jezebel Amelia Abigail Dumbledore Sue. Call me Mary Sue," she said, her voice like a choir. Peter nodded at her politely, and turned back to the compartment he was standing outside of.

"What was THAT all about, Pete?" a voice from inside the compartment barked happily. Mary Sue looked inside and gasped. Inside were three very hOtT young men. One of them was very shy looking, with tawny hair and amber-ish brown colored eyes. He was covered with scars, and immediately Mary Sue yearned to hold him, to stroke him and tell him it would be alright even though she had no clue what was wrong with him. Then her violet-at-the-moment eyes strayed to the boy next to him and she immediately forgot him, pining for the messy haired, bespectacled hunk. And then…her eyes landed on the most gorgeous human being on Earth (remember, Mary Sue isn't a human…technically). He had shaggy, glossy, raven black hair, dungeon gray eyes that were twinkling mischievously, and an aloof, mysterious air about him that made Mary Sue's mouth water. She immediately sat down next to him and, ignoring the strange look he gave her, purred in a would-be seductive voice, "I'm Mary Ashley Katrina Jezebel Amelia Abigail Dumbledore Sue. Everyone just calls me Mary Sue. And you are?"

"Um…Sirius Black," the absolute hunksicle said. He sounded a bit scared…I know I would be in his situation.

"And who are YOU?" she acknowledged the others in the compartment.

"Remus Lupin," the first one she thought was HoTt said quietly, nose in a book.

"James Potter," the other one cocked an eyebrow at her. "You're new here?"

"Yes I am!" she cried, delighted for a chance to talk about herself. "I'm 17, but for some reason, I didn't get a Hogwarts letter before this, I'm part vampire, part elf, part werewolf, part genius, part animagus- of course, I can turn into any animal I please- and I control the elements and don't need a wand to do magic, men get nosebleeds just looking at me; when I sing, little birds chirp along and people dance around me!"

"I'm not sure that's possible," Remus wrinkled his nose, finally looking up from his book. Mary Sue scoffed at his small-mindedness.

"Of course it is, silly! Like, look at me!!! I'm gorgeous! And of course, I was abused by my father's brother's uncle's son's cousin twice removed after he drank sOoOoO much booze, it leaked out of his nose!"

"His nose?" Peter looked skeptical.

"Yes, his nose, Wormtail!" she laughed, her laugh as clear as a bell.

"How'd you know his nickname?" Sirius demanded, his face on the verge of horrified. Had this girl been stalking them (I wouldn't put it past her…)?!

"Silly, I'm a Seer! I know all of you! You're Prongs," she pointed to James. "You're Moony and I know what your little problem is," she winked at Remus, who looked…well… taken aback, to put it VERY mildly.

"And you," she turned to Sirius, who should've run screaming from the compartment upon seeing the look on her face. "Are Padfoot, and you're the hottest thing on two legs!"

She then promptly attacked his lips with her own, making the appropriate moaning noises and trying to do things that would be more appropriate in a bedroom.

"Get off of me!" Sirius yelled, although he was somewhat muffled by Mary Sue's lips.

"Why, Siri?" she sat back on the seat, making Bambi eyes at him that she thought would bring a man to his knees. Needless to say, they didn't.

"What is WRONG with you?!" he exploded. "I don't even know you!! Get the hell away from me!"

And he ran out of the compartment, followed closely by James, Remus and Peter. They thought they'd gotten rid of her. But no.

They'd set an evil force in motion. For when a Mary Sue sets her sight on her prey, there's no escaping…

A/N: ZoMg I hOpE tHiS IsNt LyKe a MarI SoO cUz ShEs LyKe SoOoO nOt TeH pErFeCt!!!!

Ha, just kidding. God, I feel horrible for doing this to Sirius, but all of the Marauders will get their turn. Hell, maybe even Peter! I've decided to be nice to him in this story, 'cause in the school years, he wasn't the dirty double crosser he grew up top be.

So! Off to go hug Remus to death! Toodles!


End file.
